Most people can name some of the common physical wounds of the 'average' domestic violence survivor. These wounds are often the 'easy' ones to fix.
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The ones a GP can tend to, the ones a surgeon can work on and make better. The ones that often even resolve on their own.
But what about the invisible wounds, the ones not so easily treated?
We've all seen those campaigns where the woman has a fake-looking black-eye or some other perfectly staged injury, but the reality is, many abusers never lay a hand on their victim.
Why? Because many abusers know the line they shall not cross. The obvious line which usually marks the beginning of police involvement.
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Instead, they choose to target their victim's mind... slowly, painfully, consistently, deliberately, and mercilessly eroding their victim's sense of self, day after day after day.
After years of prolonged suffering at the hands of someone intent on seeing their fellow human fall into the deepest, darkest place of mere existence, there can be no doubt about the psychological wounds that remain.
These are invisible wounds which survivors, understandably, often keep well hidden. The wounds which permeate every part of their lives as they struggle to heal and move thorough and beyond their trauma.
Some of the more common psychological wounds often uncovered when counselling survivors include;
- Inability to trust others - because their trust was broken time and time again by their abuser
- Inability to trust themselves - due to long term manipulation and gaslighting ("I never said that", "You're imagining it, that's not what happened!")
- Lack of direction in life - due to the debilitating effects of trauma
- Crippling self-doubt - due to perpetual psychological warfare, abuse, and neglect
- Unrelenting sadness - stemming from the grief of what should have been in their relationship
- Inability to communicate needs - because communicating their needs in the abusive relationship was dangerous
- Feelings of loneliness and isolation - because no one understands their unique experience
- Inability to show emotions - because showing emotion in volatile relationships is perceived as weakness which often fuels abuse
- Confidence issues - because they've been treated like their life is worthless
- Lack of personal boundaries and people pleasing - a complex and common trauma response stemming from always putting the abuser's needs first in order to survive
- Hypervigilance - an inability to relax caused by the anticipatory stress of always having to be 'battle ready'
- Inability to plan for the future - because 'the future' was a foreign concept when living with the abuser
- Inability to advocate for themselves - due to being silenced by their abuser for so long
- Inability to make choices and decisions - because decision making was a right not afforded to them, ever
- Feelings of hopelessness - because the perpetrator convinced them that a victim is all they will ever be
- Inability to self-regulate own emotions - because processing emotions bought them more suffering, but repressing emotions and complying with their abuser bought them a temporary ceasefire
- Loving others more than themselves - because supporting, nurturing, and expressing love for their abuser created momentary peace but self-love was brutally stripped from them
- Suicidal thoughts - because death often seemed like the only way out of a nightmare only survivors could understand
Contrary to popular, and destructive, narratives floating around in society, survivors of domestic violence are some of the strongest people you'll ever meet.
But even the strongest people hurt. Even the strongest people need love and support.
It is often the strongest who put on the bravest face.
Bridging the gap between surviving and thriving takes time. One of the best ways you can show support to a survivor of domestic violence is to be compassionate... be near but be quiet.
Sit with them, listen respectfully and only offer advice or become involved if they make a direct request of you.
Recognise their experience by validating them and be a listening ear not a nagging voice.
Ask how you may help support them and always help them only if they want your help, not because you have a personal agenda to do good.
The question of how we stop domestic violence is not an easy one to answer so in the meantime, all we can do is help survivors bridge this gap between surviving and thriving.
But how do we do this? Believe survivors. Give them time and space to breathe again. But most of all, show them kindness and remind them there are more lovers than haters in the world.
Erica Rundle
Erica is a counsellor who works with women over 18. Her private practice is located in the Southern Highlands of New South Wales. You can read more about her work at www.shecounselling.com.au. She can be contacted at info@shecounselling.com.au, on 0412 707 242 or via socials @shecounselling.
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