Everyone has a family culture, things you don't notice until you start living with someone.

One of you folds the towels into neat rectangles, the other throws them all higgledy-piddgledy into the linen cupboard; one of you is dedicated to eating every morsel from their plate, the other always leaves some; one of you has dogs in the bed, the other insists they are outdoor creatures.

We eventually come to a compromise, often based on who is more bothered by the issue, or whether there is an in between.

READ MORE:

Sometimes there isn't a clear culture, we react to things without understanding where it comes from.

For example, when you argue, one of you walks off, and the other has a major melt-down, repeatedly calling, texting the other, who ignores those calls and doesn't come back for two hours.

When you talk to your friends, they're either aghast at the person who would yell and scream and harass their partner, or the one who would dare walk off mid-argument.

But if you take it in context of the wider relationship, it doesn't seem to be about power and control, or abuse, or ghosting; when you look into their childhood, you find that they have a history of abandonment or abuse.

The screaming meltdown might actually be a panic attack - they can't breathe, they feel like the world is about to come crashing down; walking away can be about an intense fear of conflict - they need to walk away because historically this behaviour meant that they were about to be abused in some way.

Do we excuse or let go of this behaviour because we know it's related to their past?

No, that's not what I'm asking you to do.

When these things repeatedly come up in a relationship - both of you have trauma-related triggers that are butting up against each other - it is important to engage in some form of individual therapy as well as relationship counselling.

However, I know a lot of people outright refuse to go into any form of therapy.

If just one of you attends therapy, then you can learn to work with your own triggers and not react so heavily to the other person's behaviours, you can learn to engage them in conversation about what they are avoiding or fearful of.

It's only half of the work though and is not advisable in the long-term.

To re-cap, this is not about harmful or abusive behaviour, this is about emotional triggers related to past trauma that happen in an otherwise healthy relationship.

It may be used as an excuse to abuse, which is not something that happens in isolation and the relationship is not otherwise healthy.

This is when I would refer to a family violence service.

Linda is an art therapist and social worker in private practice in the Southern Highlands, NSW and may be contacted for any mental health concerns at linda@highlandsholistic.com.au or on 0438 400 446.