Survivors of domestic abuse that has occurred in a romantic relationship do not grieve their abuser per se. They long for who they were led to believe the person was. The person they fell in love with, most likely during the honeymoon period of the relationship when love was all they could see and abuse was the furthest thing from their mind.

You see, abusers aren't silly. They hide their behaviours early on. Think about it, if men abused women on the first date women would rarely end up in abusive relationships, right?

During the early stages of a relationship with a future abuser, women see the best of the best behaviour. The love bombing, the charisma and the magician like illusions. These people fool even the most fool-resistant personalities. As master-manipulators, they are capable of making women believe they are amazing, the right to all their past relationship wrongs and the key to achieving all their hopes and dreams. Abusers know what to reveal and what not to reveal as well as exactly which buttons to press to make a woman take the love-bait.

Before a survivor realises the cold, hard and often dangerous reality of their relationship, they float deliriously on cloud nine. They make happy memories with their partner and they bond over shared life experiences like birthdays, travelling, buying property, getting married, welcoming children and all those other wonderful things life has to offer.

But suddenly, reality hits like a slap in the face with a dead fish and facing the truth of who they really chose to do life with can be excruciatingly painful.

The point here is that women grieve and long for the man they made wonderful memories with. Not their abuser. They don't miss the person who treated them horrifically, they miss the person they fell in love with way back when abuse was just something that happened to other people. Way before they became the next victim survivor.

And herein lies the problem. False advertising.

They grieve the loss of who and what they thought they had and struggle to accept the true character of the person they actually found themselves with. They struggle to accept the person they fell in love with never really existed and was merely a character played by an oscar-worthy actor.

Whilst this concept of grieving an abusive ex may seem logic-defying to those who have never experienced domestic violence, it is imperative that women are allowed to grieve and make sense of their experience in their own time and in their own way. The best way to support a woman on this type of unique grief journey is to politely step out of her way.

* As a counsellor working exclusively with women, my writing focuses on the female experience of male perpetrated domestic violence. Although unnecessary for me to do so, I do acknowledge that violence can occur in relationships of all types and between people of all genders.

Erica is a counsellor who works with women over 18. Her private practice is located in the Southern Highlands of New South Wales. You can read more about her work at www.shecounselling.com.au. She can be contacted at info@shecounselling.com.au, on 0412 707 242 or via socials @shecounselling