If you've never experienced domestic violence, or worked with those who have, you would probably be horrified to hear the lengths some people go to to survive an environment in which they are being abused.
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When your family is repeatedly threatened, your safety, your house, your money, your job, your kids, your assets, your pets, your emotional stability, your life... when all of this is repeatedly threatened, you become extremely creative when it comes to survival strategies.
So "What on earth is fawning?" I hear you ask. It's a survival strategy. Allow me to explain.
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Imagine you're in a bank being held hostage by a robber. The robber tells you "Stay quiet and you won't get hurt". So, you stay quiet. You do as you're told. You give the robber the money they want. You make every effort to placate the robber so you can get out alive and see your family again.
This is a loose example of fawning. It's pleasing an abuser in an attempt survive your environment, despite every fibre of your being wanting to let your anger and fear out on them.
It's a coping mechanism. A behaviour that allows you to hold onto hope when all that lies in front of you is psychological and emotional horror. It's a way to self sooth when all else seems lost. It's a way to create predictability in a highly unpredictable environment. It's ingenuity on an epic level, and it's a sign of strength, not of weakness.
When it comes to domestic violence, fawning is often one of the only ways to create space to breathe, before the next wave of abuse rolls in. Survivors of domestic violence learn from experience that 'playing nice' might get them the results they need so they press play on this strategy time and time again because they think "If I'm nice to my abuser maybe, just maybe, the abuse will stop".
Maybe you've heard the term 'people pleasing'? That is exactly what fawning is. Pleasing others to avoid conflict, or in the case of domestic violence, often real danger. So, if you ever think of domestic violence survivors as weak or stupid (which they aren't!), think of why they do what they do. Why they might be 'nice' to their abuser. Why they might stay in the relationship longer than people expect them to. They please to survive. To prepare themselves for leaving when the time is right for them.
If you are someone who has lived through domestic violence and can relate to this behaviour, or if you have experienced any other sort of violence and struggle with people pleasing or fawning in your life today, therapy can help you to calm your nervous system, recognise your strengths, survive the re-telling of your story, start to recognise, honour and meet your own needs and how to set boundaries that say "me too"... because, despite what an abuser may have told you, and your needs, matter.
Erica Rundle
Erica is a counsellor who works with women over 18. Her private practice is located in the Southern Highlands of New South Wales. You can read more about her work at www.shecounselling.com.au. She can be contacted at info@shecounselling.com.au, on 0412 707 242 or via socials @shecounselling.
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