Fifteen years ago Peter Conran’s partner Belinda Deane committed suicide.
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Every year since, he’s organised a big party to celebrate her memory and invited stacks of bands to play.
That party – known as HOPE – has become an iconic event on the Illawarra music scene’s calendar.
The event also serves to raise awareness and funds for suicide prevention.
“Some of them have lost people in the past, so it becomes a way for them to celebrate those lives ...''
As well as that it gives Deane’s family and friends a chance to remember her through something she loved – music.
Deane was a bassplayer in several bands, including local legends The Unheard, so for Conran it made sense to mark her memory with music.
The result is a night that celebrates someone’s lifetime, rather than focusing on one dark moment of it.
“You could spend your whole time mourning someone’s passing or you could spend your time being glad that you got to meet them in the first place,” Conran said.
“Let’s face it, the world is huge and there’s a lot of people - the majority of those people we don’t get to meet in our lifetime let alone be friends with or anything like that.
“So the chance of meeting someone and having them make any sort of impact is relatively minor in the overall scheme of things.”
On the first anniversary of Deane’s death, Conran decided to organise a benefit night in her memory, and bands who knew her volunteered to play.
From there it became a fundraising show and, to Conran’s surprise, has been held every year since.
“I thought I’d still do it every year but I didn’t realise that it would become such a necessary thing or such a well-loved thing throughout the community,” he said.
Part of the reason for the continued success of HOPE is that many people know someone who has taken their own life, so the event offers special resonance for them.
That’s evidenced by the fact some of the bands and the punters turning up didn't know Deane. But they do have an empty space in their life that someone left.
“Some of them have lost people in the past, so it becomes a way for them to celebrate those lives that they knew,” Conran said
“We don’t just keep it to Belinda even though she’s - for want of a better word – the figurehead of the advertising and she was the prime reason for us starting it up.
“There are other people who have lost people – through natural causes, or cancer or road accident or something else – who use the night to meet up with their friends and celebrate those lives as well.”
That first HOPE show – and so many more – were held at The Oxford Tavern, Deane’s favourite place and the home of the Wollongong music scene for many years.
Following the Oxford’s closure, the event moved to The Patch for a few years and has been at Dicey Riley’s for the last three years.
Some may find organising a concert each year to mark the death of a loved one to be too much to handle, too much of a reminder of what is no longer there.
But HOPE is different for Conran – it’s actually a bright spot in what has become a tough time emotionally.
“It doesn’t get any easier throughout the years, it’s always been the same sort of impact,” he said.
“It’s just a case of dealing with the day as it comes up. This is part of the way of dealing with it, organising this and trying to help people not be in the same sort of situation that we’re in.
“Around that time the days are a numb time anyway but because of what it is, it’s a case of trying to get through the day. And this kind of helps in a way, it helps make a difference to other people.”
The HOPE show may have had its origins in a moment of sadness but Conran says the night wasn’t a sombre affair.
“A lot of people who go there who still remember Belinda don’t go out very much anyway, they’re older people,” he said.
“But they tend to turn up for this. It’s become part of their social calendar and they run into people they haven’t see for years. In a sense it brings people together.”
As well as allowing for old friends to reunite and remember, Conran said HOPE’s importance has increased in recent years.
“It’s becoming more of a necessity because there’s been a lot of cutbacks in mental health and the suicide statistics are going up, so it still feels like something that’s necessary,” he said.
“For most people it’s putting [the issue] in their mindset. Even though they don’t attend, they know that there’s something going on. It’s keeping it in everybody’s mind.”
Conran, who wears a constant reminder on his upper arm in the form of a “HOPE” tattoo, said suicide can leave powerful feelings of guilt in loved ones.
They can spend a lot of time looking for signs that something was wrong, thinking about things they could have done that might have saved a life.
“Whenever anyone dies, it doesn’t matter whether it’s suicide or anything else, everyone always questions how they treated that person,” he said.
“Could they have treated them better? Could they have done this for them? That plays on their mind - that’s a human condition, we always do that.
“For most people who commit suicide, there wasn’t anything really you could do because it was that person’s decision.
“They’re thinking solely of their own decision, they’re not thinking of anyone else at that point, so they’re not doing it primarily to attack people, they’ve just had enough.”
One thing people can do is work to break the taboo that surrounds suicide. Talking about it more can break the stigma and make it easy for someone to come out and ask for help.
“I think it’s becoming a much more open conversation that people are having,” he said.
“That’s a good thing but it’s also a hard thing when you don’t know people are struggling, so you don’t know whether to ask a question or not.
“Most people who commit suicide don’t tend to tell you they’re going to do it. They don’t tell anyone because they don’t want anyone to stop them.
“The people who do say that they’re feeling suicidal, it’s good that they say that because it means that they’re asking for help.
“It really comes down to the people who are suicidal asking for help. And that’s why we have to remove the stigma from it. If you keep it in the background it’s still a taboo subject and it needs to be talked about a lot more.”
For suicide prevention support, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or visit www.lifeline.org.au/gethelp
Fifteen Years of HOPE is on Saturday night at Dicey Rileys from 3pm. The suicide prevention fundraiser is free and features nine bands including Chainsaw Mascara, Topnovil, Babymachine and Patrick Lyons and the Band of American Creek. Fundraising items like caps, armbands and a limited edition CD will be available on the night.