WHEN Homer Simpson was asked which he would choose - complete and utter contentment or beer - he thought for a moment before responding with; "What sort of beer?"

Now that would be a tough question, from where I write here in Belgium, because they have over 180 breweries and almost 1000 different beer varieties from which to choose.

Former French president Charles de Gaulle once famously questioned how you could possibly govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese, so how would he go next door in Belgium with all that beer?

However this country has proved it can govern itself without politicians in charge.

You might remember that a couple of years ago, Belgium couldn't form a government for 589 days, but life went on as usual, with bureaucrats keeping the place ticking along nicely. Or as Time Magazine quaintly put it, "the absence of a government makes little difference to day-to-day life in Belgium."

MIND you, Belgians wouldn't function if they had to go 589 days without a beer.

"Drink don't drive. Beer is cheaper than petrol," says a sign in a Brussels bottle shop, crammed with hundreds of different beers and hundreds of different glasses.

This is a country that believes strongly in matching the beer with the glass to bring out the best flavours.

If you order a particular beer, and the right glass is in the dishwasher, it is most likely the barman would ask you to make another selection, which isn't a problem as most waterholes have countless of varieties from which to choose.

PERHAPS the most quirky Belgian beer story revolves around a brand called Kwak, which is served in a very strange glass, especially designed back in the day to hang from a coach, so that coachmen could have a drink without pulling up the horses and stopping by the roadside.

Can't be travelling long (or even short) distances without a beer to fortify a bloke on the journey, can you? This expensive Kwak beer glass is very popular with souvenir-hunters, but the publicans of Belgium are a step ahead.

They have developed a ritual requiring the punter to first leave a shoe with the barman before he gets a Kwak in its special glass. Consequently it is not uncommon to see a pub full of drinkers walking around with just one shoe.

Naturally when you return the empty glass the barman gives you the shoe back. Good system, eh!

THERE is no better example to illustrate the importance of beer in Belgium than a suggestion to sell the stuff to kids at school - a bit like when we of a certain age, had free milk at play-lunch to keep us healthy and boost the local dairy industry. I jest you not.

In response to Belgian kids getting fat from sugary soft drinks, the plan was to encourage them to swap to "a healthier alternative." Yes, beer! You've gotta love the way they think, haven't you?

The school tuckshop would serve a relatively weak brew and the kids could choose between larger or bitter, depending on their particular taste. This program was aimed at kids from ages 3 to 15.

The idea was tested at one school and the kids loved it, but for some weird reason, nervous parents scuttled the program and now the Belgian kids continue to grow fat on sugary soft drinks.

WHICH brings us to Dudley, who was having a beer in a Belgian pub when he came across a used car salesman sitting on the next bar stool.

Dudley explained that he was looking to buy a small second-hand car to take him down through Belgium, into France and across to Germany.

He thought it would be cheaper than hiring a car.

"I've got just the car you want Monsieur, for a mere two thousand euros," said the Belgian car dealer, "and I'll take off 20 per cent for cash."

Dudley said he would think about it.

He didn't have a clue how much 20 per cent of two thousand euros was, so when the car salesman went out to the toilet, Dudley sauntered up to the good looking lady behind the bar.

"Excusez moi dear. If I was to give you two thousand euros less 20 per cent, how much would you take off?" She didn't hesitate.

"The bloody lot Monsieur, except for my earrings."