I AM a sucker for signs. I can’t help reading them when travelling. Some are clever, some are funny and some are just plain memorable.
“Trespassers shot, survivors jailed,” pronounced a sign outside a Welby car yard when I was a young bloke. I suspect the owner wouldn’t get away with that one these days, but it certainly would have made an intruder think twice.
I am always intrigued by the sign that says “Beware of low flying aircraft” you occasionally see near a country airport. I’m never sure what you are supposed to do if one comes along.
And there are some just plain witty signs like on a plumber’s truck suggesting, “We repair what your husband fixed.”
And on another, “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
BUT it is when travelling in other countries you will see the real gems.
For example, in a Norway cocktail lounge: “Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”
At Budapest zoo: “Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.”
In a Rome doctor’s office: “Specialist in women and other diseases.”
Inside an Acapulco hotel: “The manager has personally passed all the water served here.”
Outside a Bangkok dry cleaner: “Drop your trousers here for the best results.”
Or the sign on a Fiji barber shop: “Men’s hair cut while you wait.”
Behind the door in a Chiang-Mai hotel room in Thailand: “Please do not bring solicitors into your room.”
On the pages of a hotel brochure in Italy: “This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.”
BESIDE a hotel elevator in Paris: “Please leave your values at the front desk.”
In a hotel in Yugoslavia: “The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.”
In a Moscow hotel lobby opposite an orthodox monastery: “You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.”
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: “It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.”
In a Zurich hotel: “Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.”
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: “Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.”
In a laundry in Rome: “Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.”
And on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: “Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.’
IN KENYA there is a sign in a Nairobi restaurant suggesting: “Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.”
On the Athi River highway: “Take notice - when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”
A sign on an automatic restroom hand dryer: “Do not activate with wet hands.”
On a wall in a Pumwani maternity ward: “No children allowed.”
And in a cemetery: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”
IN JAPAN signs written for English speaking travellers occasionally lose a bit in translation.
Like a Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations: “Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.”
Another hotel notice in Tokyo suggests: “It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing please not to read this notis.”
And in a Kyoto hotel: “You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”
In an information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner in Japan: “Cooles and heates. If you want just condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.”
In a Tokyo bar: “Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.”
WHILE still in Japan we will leave you with the most memorable translation found in the pages of a car rental brochure which warns: “When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.”
IF you have seen any good signs that made you chuckle, or even tootle, don’t be bashful.
Just send them down the email line to geoff.goodfellow@bigpond.com and we’ll share the mirth with others.
*Geoff Goodfellow has lived his life in the Southern Highlands, works for Wingecarribee Council and is well known in local sporting and social circles.
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