A FEW weeks ago this column was devoted to some amusing signs from around the world that tickled my fancy. That prompted some readers to offer a few more gems.
“Our favourite Japanese sign was in a park in Kyoto back in the 1980s,” writes Dion Boehme from Robertson. “If you would like a tea please come in the tea room. If you would not like a tea, kindly go away the tea room.”
COUNCIL’S Traffic Engineer Frank Perger is responsible for the shire’s signage (among other things), so his files contain an interesting collection from around the world. Thought we’d share some of Frank’s signs from England.
Outside a secondhand shop: “We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?”
A sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: “The Town Hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.”
A notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: “Due to increasing problems with vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.”
In a dry-cleaner’s window: “Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.”
In a London department store: “Bargain basement upstairs.”
In a health food shop window: “Closed due to illness.”
On a repair shop door: “We can repair anything - please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.”
In an office: “Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.”
In another office, “After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.”
In a sewing machine repair shop: “We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.”
Some wag put a sign in a public campground, “A tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.”
And another disgruntled wag put this in a supermarket, “It’s easy to identify the people who can’t count to 10. They’re the ones in front of you in the supermarket express lane.”
LEAVING England, the signs don’t get any less intriguing.
An advertisement at a petrol station between San Francisco and Los Angeles: “Kids with gas eat free.”
A note at the bottom of the menu of a German restaurant: “After the main course we suggest that you sample the tart of the house.”
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: “If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.”
In a hotel in Athens: “Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9am and 11am.”
Spotted in a safari park: “Elephants please stay in your car.”
At a dry cleaning shop in San Francisco, “We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.”
In the window of an Oregon store: “Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”
In a laundromat: “Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.”
BACK in Australia, former Robertson resident Mike Graham spotted a sign at the entrance to a farm in Foxground near Gerringong advertising; “Weak Old Pullets For Sale.”
And another on the Jamberoo Mountain Road warning; “No trespassing - if the 500 lead pellets from the owner’s shotgun miss, his unsociable 80kg Rottweiler won’t.”
AND there are some just plain clever signs like the one outside a muffler shop that announces: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
On a maternity room door some wag wrote: “Push. Push. Push.”
In an advertisement for a swimwear store: “Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.”
In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
Spotted on the door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “We can help you pick your nose!”
On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
On a radiator repair garage: “Best place to take a leak.”
THAT’S it for silly signs. I promise not to mention them again.
*Geoff Goodfellow has lived his life in the Southern Highlands, works for Wingecarribee Council and is well known in local sporting and social circles.
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