I WAS having a quiet beer with Dudley yesterday when we got into a conversation at the bar with a bloke called Bob, from the Sydney management consultancy of Bob, Bill and Bolt. Bob is visiting the Southern Highlands to do some very expensive training seminars for up-and-coming locals keen to climb the corporate ladder.
It is years since I’ve done any management training so I asked him what sort of advice he is passing on to young pups these days. His response was enlightening.
“NEVER walk around the office without a document or file in your hands,” is the most important lesson any person wanting to climb the corporate ladder has to learn according to Bob.
“People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings, but people with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading outside for a fag or off to the toilet,” he said, advising any aspiring Highlands manager to also make sure you carry loads of files home with you at night to give everyone the impression that you work very long hours.
“ALWAYS keep your in-tray full,” explained Bob because it makes you look, as he said, “a key player.” He suggests that when the tray starts to overflow, just tip some of it in the matters pending tray where correspondence can then safely sit unanswered for months.
“MAKE SURE you have a cluttered desk,” is another of Bob’s management training messages, based on the well known philosophy that a tidy desk not only indicates a sick mind, but a cluttered desk means you must be very busy.
“Build huge piles of documents around your workspace,” he advises because to the casual observer all work papers look the same.
“It’s volume that people notice. Pile them high and even use the floor.”
BOB reckons if people want to become managers they need to join as many internal focus groups or working parties as possible and go to every meeting they can, then he told Dudley and me a really clever tip - resubmit files to yourself, so you continually have work coming in, but the files are on an endless loop between the records repository and your desk.
“That way you don’t have to waste time with day-to-day mundane work like dealing with customers or answering letters, leaving you plenty of free time to do the important stuff like create performance indicators, build management plans, analyze comparative data, benchmark and develop mission statements.”
“AND one last thing,” concluded Bob before leaving us to soak up his all-expenses paid ten course degustation, free wine and jacuzzi at a local resort; “compile email responses to your boss while at work and send them home, then just before you go to bed, or better still if you happen to wake up at 3am, send them off. The boss is sure to think you’ve been hard at it all night.”
Brilliant advice, eh! No wonder consultants get paid the big bucks.
WHEN Bob left us, Dudley told me about the day he went for a parachute jump at Wilton one windy afternoon. He jumped out of the plane and ended up on a back road, miles from the drop zone. He dusted himself off and waved down a passing car.
“G’day, mate,” said Dudley to the motorist. “Have you got any idea where the hell I am?”
“Certainly Sir! You have just landed on Archie Jackson’s property after being blown off course in this wind. Your plane, Alpha, Tango, Foxtrot 453 is touching down at Wilton as we speak. There is a big Santa Gertrudis bull in the paddock and that bull picked up best in show at the Sydney Royal last year. Cost him $8,500 three years ago and it’s now worth $34,000. In fact, while we speak, that same bull is right behind you and is just about to attack.”
Seconds later the bull speared Dudley over Archie Jackson’s barbed wire fence.
Dudley shook his head and looked at the motorist.
“So you’re a management consultant, are you, mate.”
“Yes, as a matter of fact I am,” said the motorist, “but how on earth could you possibly know that?”
“Oh! I’ve dealt with management consultants before,” said Dudley. “And just like them, the information you gave me was accurate, precise and correct in every detail. Unfortunately, most of it was totally useless and it arrived far too late to be of any help.”
Email a friend