WELL Dudley,” said Old Dud to his son before his wedding to Grace, “I’m sure you’ll look back on today as the happiest day of your life.”
“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow, Dad,” said Dudley.
Old Dud just grinned, “I know.”
SO what makes for a long and happy marriage these days and what causes things to turn ugly?
To get some ideas last week, James Valentine on ABC radio floated the notion across the airwaves to see if his listeners knew the secret to a successful marriage.
Some of the responses were the usual old motherhood stuff, like marriage should be an eternal courtship; share everything and trust implicitly; bring out the best in each other – you know the sort of mushy stuff glossy gossip magazines bang on about.
BUT it was the responses from blokes I liked. Real, down-to-earth stuff you could pass on to your kids.
“Cave-in early,” was the secret to a long and trouble free marriage according to one bloke, who worked out he was never going to win an argument with his wife, so why persist.
Another advocated that you should always have the last word in an argument, provided that last word is something along the lines of, “Yes dear, you are so right.”
One caller suggested that people who believe marriage is a 50-50 relationship don’t understand anything about either marriage or fractions.
“It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite,” mused one caller philosophically, “as long as you eat at home”.
Then there was the woman who advised women to never talk badly about their husband to their mother, reasoning that you and your husband will forgive and forget long before the mother does.
MENTION was made of some advice dished out by Mickey Rooney, a man who set the bar for failed marriages with eight to his credit.
“Always get married early in the morning,” suggested Rooney, “that way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.”
But let’s get back to our old mate Dudley who once famously declared, “For 20 years Grace and I were deliriously happy... then we met each other.”
“WHEN we are married I’ll be home when I want and I don’t expect any hassles from you,” said Dudley laying down the rules on his wedding day.
“I want dinner to be on the table when I come home. I’ll go fishing, to the pub and to the races with my mates when I want. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
Grace didn’t seem too concerned.
“No, that’s fine with me, Dudley. As long as you understand there will be sex here at 10 o’clock every night, whether you’re here or not.”
NOT surprisingly, it didn’t take long for the fire to go out of their romance, so Grace dragged Dudley along to a marriage counsellor who suggested it was essential that husbands and wives know the little things that are so important to each other.
“For instance Dudley,” he asked, “can you name your wife’s favourite flower?”
Dudley leaned over, feeling very confident, touched Grace’s arm gently and whispered, “self raising, isn’t it Grace?”
AFTER a couple of fruitless sessions, the counsellor bounded out of his chair, grabbed Grace and kissed her passionately.
“That’s what you’ve got to do, Dudley,” said the counsellor, “and you’ve got to do that sort of thing on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday at least.”
“Well, I can bring her here on Wednesdays,” said Dudley, “but Monday’s me darts night and Saturday’s I’m at the pub, the races, the footy or fishin’.”
WALKING purposefully into the pub, Dudley said to the barman, “I need a bloody schooner Bill. I’ve just had another fight with Grace.”
“Oh yeah?” said Bill smiling unsympathetically, “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Dudley replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really! Now that’s a change,” scoffed old Bill, “What did she say?”
“Come out from under the bed, you gutless little worm.”
IN a last ditch effort to save their marriage, Grace dressed in a very sexy nightie, greeting Dudley at the door looking very provocative indeed.
“Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”
So he tied her up and went to the pub. Their marriage didn’t last much longer after that.
* Email Geoff Goodfellow at geoff.goodfellow@bigpond.com
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